Crazy day

I just made my 2nd, coconut mocha for the day.

I’m bouncing off walls right now. This is good, because I’m finishing packing today whether the world ends or not.

piano talk

I played piano for the first time in a very long time at Kate’s the other night. It felt great. Seems my fingers haven’t forgotten everything they knew. And then tonight at my mom’s, where my piano resides, it was even easier.

When I get settled someplace I think my piano will be coming with me.
I’ve lost way too much time, I think.

If only….

I have found two shirts that I absolutely adore. You all must go look at them and tell me how cute they are. And maybe once I have a few extra dollars, after a couple of months and papers…Etc…..

Here is the frivolous one.

Here is the non frivolous one.

Are they not the best?

Random thoughts

Hashbrowns and bacon are my favorite breakfast.
If I had to chose one meal of the day not to cook, it would be breakfast. So guess how often I eat hashbrowns and bacon?
Almost never.

Carnation Instant breakfast it my friend.

Last night I fell into a really deep sleep with my head at an odd angle.

Now I need a neck rub.

Any Volunteers?

Oh, look at all those hands.

I love you guys too.

I’ll give backrubs too.

If I had to place myself at a % in where I was in the moving process, I would say I’m at about 65%, so I’m making progress. Its probably higher than that, but there is so much stuff going to charities, and its just sitting there, waiting for Monday. So it looks like there is more there than there really is.

I told J. That my family was coming over to help move yesterday. He got a panicked look and left for 12 hours. Long enough that he didn’t have to face them. I laughed at him and asked him when they had ever been anything but polite to him.

He acknowlegded that they had always been friendly, but that it was just awkward, and I guess it is, him being the one to be done first. Don’t get me wrong, I got done real fast too. 2 years of neglect have that effect on me.

Blah. Unhappy thoughts.

I like where I am right now.

Things are good. Belle and I are just fine, and getting finer by the minute.

I should probably stop typing and go get more boxes. Or pack suitcases. Either one would be considered productive. And I am almost done.

Sigh.

I also have to pack up my computer.

I am going to miss this everyday. I mean, I will still have access to a computer everyday, but a person works best with their own equipment.

Having read the above statement, I think it sounds mildly dirty. But I don’t feel like changing it. So you’ll just have to interpret it as I meant it.

(Wink)

Sorry. Probably after effects of the dream.

I’m a good girl, I am, most of the time.

And at least one person in the world can agree with that statement.

Will he?

I don’t know.

Lets sit back and wait.

Well, maybe not.

Okay, I need to end it.

Bye folks.

And there was much rejoicing!

Well, I got the job, and I’m excited.

I’ll be the receptionist at an accountants office, and I’ll learn to do payroll, and all that other stuff they do there….

Yeah!

Now I just need that first tattoo…..

flkdjfalgkh

I’m evil.
I should be packing, but I’m tired.

So I’m blogging.

And talking to my friends.

And receiving wisdom about tongue rings.

Thanks MaMaMe. I can’t believe I’m 26 and just learning these things.

I have a job interview tomorrow.

(Yeah) and there was much rejoicing.

I’m feeling blah.

I’m moving

And if you’ve ever moved you know how miserable it is.
I have gotten rid of about 2/3 of the good junk I was hanging onto, and that feels good.
I don’t know how often I’ll be posting, but I’m thinking of all of you fondly.

A letter to one I once loved

I had the talk with you a couple of days ago.
It started, predictably, with me.
I said, “I think I’m done, and I think you’re done too. I think you’ve been done for a while.”
You said nothing, only flushed red, like you do when you are confronted with truth.
“Am I right?” I press again, because the time for holding back is over.
“Yes.”
I wait, wanting reasons or an apology or anything. Surely there must be more to 3 years than Yes.
apparently, there isn’t.
“How long have you known? That you didn’t want this anymore, I mean? If I could date it, I would say October.”
“Maybe a little longer than that.”
“When were you planning on telling me?”
“I didn’t know how to say it.”

SO that was it. I stopped talking, because I was out of things to say that didn’t start with “You Fucking Asshole” and I never wanted to talk like that to anyone.
So I’ll call you a coward, because you are.
You are afraid to tell the truth and afraid to love.
You are afraid to live.
I am angry at you. Not because you no longer love me, that I can forgive. I am angry for the way you are leaving, and for the hurt you have caused our daughter. You have ignored her for the last two months and the hurt in her eyes is killing me.
How dare you allow your cowardice to injure she who was blameless in all this? Someday, you’ll realize all you’ve thrown away, and you’ll begin to live. I hope so.
You fucked up.
So now that I’ve said that, let me tell you about me. Because you don’t know me, and haven’t known me in some time.
I don’t love you anymore. I loved you with all intensity and devotion. I gave all my heart. I don’t regret it. I allowed myself to fall and was not afraid and I will fall again once or one thousand times and I will welcome the pain that comes with love and I am not afraid, because this person who I am loves and loves with all my being because its as necessary as breathing and I am unable to do anything else!
In the rare moments when you come to see your daughter, you will look at me, so filled with light and life and you will wonder why you couldn’t be bothered to love me. I will seem to you as a prism, reflecting light and colour and beautiful things, sparkling and multifaceted and brilliant and remember that once you held me and I was all of those things for you and you will know you shut the sunshine out of your life.
Make no mistake. I still hurt. Because I’ve loved and loved well, with my whole being. Bits and pieces of me are broken and opening bleeding wounds. But I’m picking up the pieces, and polishing the edges and putting the pieces together in new and beautiful ways, different, and perhaps unrecognizable in some ways. But the things I lost in loving are more than replaced.
I will love again.
There will come a morning when I will wake in the arms of a lover and see in his eyes all the light and passion and intensity I have in me!
I will have love! I will awaken happy, laughing, ready to start out each new day living in Joy!
I will hurt and bleed and cry and mourn and live and laugh and LOVE! I will LIVE.
I am not afraid.
And someday, when you realize what you’ve lost, maybe you can hurt, and heal. And perhaps someday you too can begin to live.

saturday night escapades

If you are really curious to see how I spent tonight, go here.
Be warned, however. It contains disturbing material.

Valentines Day Revisited

Just let me say this.
I spent Valentines Day in the company of friends and family who love and care for me.
I had a lovely day.
Superb.
Magnificent.
Beautiful.

I’m radiating smug contentment.

I’m laughing.

The lights of Boise are fantastic.

Life is Beautiful.