For whatever reason perfect people make me want to scream today.

Ya.
So drinking half a bottle of sparkling wine at 9 last night may have been a mistake?
At the time is seemed like a really really good idea.
Brian bought it for me yesterday because he loves me and the new car stereo wasn’t enough? and did I want flowers too?
Yes, honey, I want flowers but not today because I love you and you make everyday special and I’ve never had a mothers day with you that wasn’t’ wonderful and you’ve done enough for me.

We are going camping Thursday… and it would have been Jeff’s weekend with Emma, so I called a week ago and asked to trade- and I will give him credit for this- he’s never said no when I asked to trade weekends. But what I didn’t realize when I asked that yesterday was Mothers day… So I didn’t get to spend all day with her.
In the end it was alright, Brian and I slept in until 9, which is unheard of for us. Emma woke my mom up at 5:30…
Jeff called last week after I had talked to his Grandma… Poor woman.
He asked VERY nicely if my mom was willing to supervise.
So he and my mom talked… And she said yes. So it went well for their first visit yesterday
I’m profoundly uncomfortable with it, but Mom isn’t. She said Jeff was very polite.
Anyway.
I don’t hate him… I just can’t trust him.
And he calls and tries to make it about him, and its not about him, its ALWAYS been about Emma.
Maybe when he can see that I’ll know things are different.
Bleh.
Going to go take Advil.

Things I’d like to do this week

*Finish hanging the curtains. The bruises have almost faded from the first round- I wanted to do this Saturday but then the car died so I couldn’t go and pick up the hardware I needed.
*Get my car fixed- which should be tonight.
*Make a menu for the next 2 weeks
*Write a damned letter to Jeff, as he is selfish and incapable of putting himself in anyone else’s shoes.
*Go to the farmers market on Saturday Morning.
*Work out at least 3 times
*Get the new tires I’ve needed for 2 months.
*Finish hanging pictures!

So…

I got Emma to school and myself to work this morning. Car didn’t die- but Daddy said the colder the car was, the better it was- So here’s hoping I can get home tonight- when its 80 out. I guess I can just call a cab should I need to.
I should have a new distributer tonight.
Having a car I can’t trust at the moment is really frustrating and depressing.
I’m out of just about everything at home- fresh veggie wise, anyway, which are the major staples in our house- along with milk and eggs…I’ll be grocery shopping at lunch today.
Brian came home yesterday and we where HAPPY to see him. Emma had a couple of meltdowns on Saturday, crying for him.
We all took a nice nap and when Emma woke up from hers she came in and snuggled with us. Meaning she squirmed in between Brian and I and wrapped her arms around Brian’s neck and didn’t let go for half an hour. He’s HER Brian. She lets me share him usually though We missed him.

Ya. So I’m hung over today. Big mistake. Bleh.
Felt good at the time…
But could you please not talk so loud? And why the hell is that bird singing? ITS SO LOUD my head is splitting!

Weekend update

But not by Norm Macdonald. God he was hot.
Brian is off molesting fish. He left Thursday night and I miss him.
God I miss him.
But the fishing thing… Brian is an avid fly fisherman- according to his dad, there is none better.
I’m no judge and I suspect that Brian’s dad is biased. I can’t say that Brian’s fly fishing is poetry but his father claims its so. And Brian’s parents adore him. All I can say is- I’m glad he does catch and release, cause I don’t clean fish. Not for anything. And I so don’t care for trout!
I’m down to 128 this week and I’m celebrating by drinking rum.
Well and my car broke down today in the middle of an intersection. A hot cop helped push me out – strictly speaking 2 hot cops- the other cop was female and while my tastes don’t run towards the feminine sex I’m willing to admit she was lovely. What can I say, I’m a sucker for uniforms
Fortunately Emma and I were only a mile from home and just walked home. So much for grocery shopping today, eh?
Daddy came over and would you believe it? It started right up for him. We checked the error codes and it told us “11″. Apparently that means the distributer! Which I’ve already had to fix. Which means *crossing fingers* Its still under warranty.
Otherwise it means about 250 for a new one… I’m not loving that price tag. Thank God for that stimulus package GW is borrowing from China for us. That 600 will come in really handy, it may even cover the distributor and new tires I’m going to be buying in the next week.
Easy come, easy go.
I’ve thought about buying a new car… But when all is said and done, its really nice to NOT have a car payment… If I can get student aid, it might make the difference between starting school next fall.
I’m only typing now to wait until the alcohol kicks in enough I think I can fall asleep. I miss Brian. We had 2 fights in the last week- stupid fights- over nothing- I don’t even remember the reason for the second one. But usually we don’t fight… the last time was over a stupid comment on a website that didn’t’ matter in the end… But having him gone was both good and bad.
Perspective is a wonderful thing. And Hindsight is 20/20.. Or so they say. It was fun to have one on one time with Emma- and to enjoy her sweet snuggles all night long- cause I let her sleep with me. And I guess I needed the reminder of how much Brian brings to our lives- Emma had a meltdown tonight, crying for her BrianDaddy.
Alcohol just washed over me in a wave.
I miss Brian. Even when we DO argue, there is not one person in this world I would rather sleep beside. I’m glad he’ll be home tomorrow.

I got a phone call today- from Jeff’s grandma, who’s been overseeing their visits- basically, she’s sick. And her husband is sick. And they simply can’t do it anymore. I love Jeff’s family, and they have always been lovely to me.
When I decided I was going to leave, it was Jeff’s stepmother who helped me. Sue is wonderful and Jeff’s dad too- they never blamed me. And they supported my decision to seek supervised visitation. They encouraged it because the love they have for their son did not interfere with the love they have for Emma. We all just want Emma to be safe and well cared for.
Anyway- there was a about a two hour window where my phone was left in my car- and I wasn’t’ walking back to it- where Jeff called and left a message pretty much telling me what his Grandma had said. And then he had the audacity to tell me he was almost done with counseling (I must assume for the alcohol issues- although he did get busted for drugs too) and that he’d have his certificate. BIG WOOPDEDOO. So he has supervised probation and he’s been clean for 6 months. I DON’T FUCKING CARE! What he going to do when he’s not supervised? the SAME FUCKING THING HE’S DONE WITH HIS ENTIRE LIFE! Whatever the fuck he’s wanted to do. So he says “every legal aid I’ve talked to has said that thats grounds to rework the visitation, I’d hate to have to go that route”.
So I talked to Mom when they came over to help me with the car and she said “BULLSHIT” and she would know.

Have I ever mentioned how he took ALL of the pills I was prescribed after my C-Section? I wasn’t’ taking them- so he did. He had a “back ache!” And there were a couple of days I REALLY could have used one. ( I can still feel that stupid wonderful incision) And then I got in a car accident and my neck was hurt- and was prescribed vicodin- Grandma brought some over (a big bottle- she had cancer, God rest her soul and she wouldn’t take them, but she wanted me to have them until I could get my RX filled – it was late Sunday night when they released me) I told her I was fine for 12 hours but she left them anyway and I never took even one, but he took the WHOLE BOTTLE!
He’s bragged about knowing how to take herbs and vitamins to pass drug tests. And he said he’d never stop using pot. He had everything he needed.
SO HOW THE FUCK CAN I EVER TRUST HIM.
6 months vs 28 year of history!
I’ll do what a judge orders me to do- kill me as it might.
Anyway, I guess the whole point of all of this is- and I’m thoroughly drunk now, is that I miss Brian tremendously and that I’m upset about Jeff. Cause its STILL all about him. And its not about Emma with him. And I wish Brian was here- cause no one helps me think clearer than him.
I just love my daughter. just want her safe.
I didn’t want a SECOND divorce. The first one was bad enough as it was. No children there. Just 4 years of abuse and sheer hell. I left because I couldn’t see a future in a relationship where I couldn’t leave my child alone with her father!
But the second one… I know he loves Emma, but who does he love more? Himself and his addictions? or Emma. I already know that answer.

In desperate need of a pet

I’m not supposed to have pets here. Would it be evil of me to get a small cat?
I need a pet.
I’m lonely for pet loves.
I really want a dog, but a cat would be okay too.
Evil?
Okay?
I’d go to the pound and pick up a sweet little cat who just wants to be loved… What would it hurt?
Everyone else here has animals!
And then? I could amuse you all with weird cat stories.

Bad is…

Trying to hang curtains on a rickety old stool and falling off. And bruising both legs in various and sundry places, a couple of which I can’t even show off, being places no one should see.
DAMN! I hurt!
Curtains look nice, though.