Grace in Small Things

• Saturday
• Emma’s mini dance recital!
• Lentil soup
• Brian tried and ate the mujaddara, even though he didn’t love it.
• Brian like the spaghetti squash even thought I hated it!

Grace in Small Things ?.365

• Chai tea with white chocolate
• 118 on the scale this morning! yeah for yoga!
• Someone who will snuggle me when I have a bad dream
• doing my first tax return of the season (not counting Brian and I’s) cause YEAH! I actually enjoy doing taxes
• Brand new baby cheeks to nom nom on at lunch (Aime had her baby last night! 21&3/4 inches long, 6lbs,5 oz and healthy!  Welcome Oberon!)

Dear Emma

Ever since I knew I was pregnant with you- which would be approximately 6 years ago around about this time, my entire world has revolved around you.  Protecting you, loving you.  I’ve loved you since the first thought of you crossed my mind. You are by far the most perfect thing I’ve ever done.

You are five years old and as far as you know, for the most part, your world is perfect.

And I’m having a really hard time because I want your world to be perfect.   I want you to always be safe and clean and well fed. I want only good people to be around you and kind people speaking to you.

Baby, I feel like I’ve failed you because today I made a deal with the devil to protect you.

When I left your biological father for a multitude of reasons and finally filed for divorce I was granted sole legal and physical custody of you.  He was granted supervised visitation.

Your biological father, Jeff, hasn’t been a very nice person.  He’s lied and stolen and done drugs.  Lots of them.  He’s driven drunk more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes.  Unfortunately, he’s only been caught twice.  And he’s only been caught once for the drugs.  He’s left you alone several times, and alone with his home health clients (who were also not to be left alone).  He’s taken you to a hot spring where naked men could expose themselves to you. I could go on and on about the ways he’s endangered you, neglected you.  And when you are old enough I’ll tell you everything.  The whole story.  But right now I’m not allowed to. Ask one day you’ll ask and I’ll tell you the truth.

According to the “law of the land” he’s done his time and served his sentence.  And for some reason that means his problems just go away.  Because everyone knows that when you pass all the random drug tests and your probation officer is willing to testify on your behalf at a custody trial it means you are a good person.  Even though this is the THIRD time he’s had to have a probation officer and he’s still ON probation.  Apparently nothing else matters.    And judges are not interested in hearing the truth, only a few facts- from a probation officer and a drug counselor- who have never seen him parent but for some reason bear more weight in court than 6 years of history.

So for that last 8 Months your Daddy (Brian) and I have been paying an attorney to help us fight for your safety.  At first we were told the entire thing would be thrown out.  And then one week from trial we were told the judge would most likely lift supervision.  And give him a lot more time.

Baby girl, I honestly believe in my heart that he is not a good father.  I believe you to be in danger when you are with him.  The only redeeming part of his life right now is his girlfriend, who is pregnant.  She is trapped the way I was trapped.  She has only seen the good parts of him and she loves him.  So really, at this time, there are three victims in this tragedy.  Her, you and your unborn sibling.  She will pay for not listening to the warnings, but unfortunately, you and your sibling will pay the greater price.

So I bought, with two signatures and a WHOLE lot of money today, time.  I bought a few more  supervised visits and a few less overnights.  And if something happens, no overnights.

Please baby, know I did the best I could for you, that I cried when I signed those pieces of paper.  Because I know, in my heart, that it won’t work, that I’ll just be  back in court in a year’s time, or less.  But Baby?  The judge doesn’t care what is in my heart.  So I did the best I could. And I’m so so sorry.  I’m sorry I can’t protect you fully from someone you shouldn’t need protection from.  I’m sorry.

Please know, there is something good from all this-  You, Me and Your Daddy- and I mean Brian Daddy- have become so much closer through all of this.  I have learned how to trust, and how to lean and how to share and I’m so much more complete because of this.  And as Brian says- nothing in our house will change. You will have the same loving house you’ve always had- its just, now you’ll need it more.  And at least we can do that much for you.

At this moment, I’m really not okay with this and while I’ve done the best I can I don’t feel like it is enough.  I’m so sorry and please know I love you, and Daddy loves you, more than you can possibly imagine.  And no matter what, we are here.

Another great listing from Craigslist (from The Bloggess)

Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com

remember…..anything.

• Location: Chicago
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 942873935

For my Buddy

Brian’s parents dog Buddy died last night.  He’s had seizures since he was about a year old but they’ve always taken him to the vet, bought him medicine, done everything for him.  He was the happiest sweetest dog.  He had a 7 hour long seizure last night and then he went.

I am not okay.  My heart is so broken.  I loved him.  And I didn’t get to say goodbye.  He was a big golden retriever lap dog.  And now he won’t take anymore naps on my lap ever again.

Oh, Wow. This is good!

Everyone needs to watch this.

WTF Tom Cruise?

You used to be hot and now you just freak me out.   Your creepiness inhibits my enjoyment of your earlier movies.   I can’t watch that one movie where you are all “You complete me” anymore and get all weepy like I used to; no, I just wonder if you are going to go for her jugular.

I can’t watch “Mission Impossible” either.  And forget “Top Gun” WHICH I’VE NEVER SEEN AND NOW NEVER WILL BECAUSE YOU ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!  Thanks. Thanks so very much.

I resent the eye candy of my youth being taken from me.   It’s not like I have that many celebrity crushes, you know….  There was you, Bryan Adams, and that’s pretty much it!

I guess I’ve always got Bryan Adams though, even if he is not interested in my feminine wiles.  At least he’s sane (and vegan!)

The Inauguration

The low points:

Aretha Franklin.  Love her, I do, but… Shudder

The Prayers. Shudder.  TOO MUCH!

The High points:  The rest?  The Musical numbers sans Aretha?  The speech?  The poem?

And dude: GET THIS- One of President Barack Obama’s first acts as president was to order federal agencies to halt all pending regulations until his administration can review them.

OMG PUPPY CAM!

http://www.samhaincardigans.com/puppies.html

You must see the cuteness!

Once upon a time

About 6 years ago, perhaps 7, I was leaving my first marriage.  An ex boyfriend contacted me (actually dropped by my mothers to see how I was) and we started up a conversation via email.  Somehow or another we started talking about the book “The Little Prince” because reading the book was one of the things that helped me figure out I needed to leave.  He said something to the effect that it sounded interesting, the passage I was talking about, and he’d like to read it.  So I emailed it to him.

I asked, a couple of days later, how he’d liked it.  “Oh,” he replied, “I don’t read unless I can help it.”

(except I guess typing/writing/puncuation/capitalization wasn’t his strong suit because it was typed  i dont read unless i have to)

And at that point, all the remembered affection my 22 year old self had retained from our fling when I was 18 went OUT THE WINDOW.  I told him that I’d be moving and wasn’t going to have internet for a while and I’d get in touch later…  And then I never did.  Oh, we are “friends” on facebook and myspace and that’s about it, now.

I don’t consider myself a super genius or anything, or even a genius, really at all. I’m reasonably intelligent and while I don’t have a college degree I’ve never stopped learning! (I will get that damned degree, however!)  Up until that point, I’d never considered how important it was to me to be around intelligent people.  First husband was an manipulative asshole but smart as hell. And I’d just figured up until that point that the ex bf was in a hurry when he was typing, hence the lack of anything other than letters.

But DEAR LORD, I just can’t imagine myself with someone who doesn’t read!  And Brian and I together have so many books! And we are running out of room for more books and it worries us.  We LOVE to read.  We CRAVE learning!

Anyway, I don’t even remember why I started this post.  I guess the moral of the story is:  Stupid Hormones when you are 18 are not enough to sustain a relationship for any amount of time. Or maybe “Ariel may date a person who doesn’t like to read but it won’t be for long if she figures out you don’t like to read and she suspects you might be stupid.”

I don’t know.