Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST
Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!
OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.
REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com
Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com
So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com
remember…..anything.
- Location: Chicago
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 942873935
#1 by Mir on January 26, 2009 - 11:06 am
BEST. RESUME. EVER.
#2 by Megan on January 26, 2009 - 11:27 am
OMG. I nearly snorted coffee out my nose reading this. Thanks. I needed a smile this morning.
Oh, and referencing one of your posts below, good for you about not having your dad at your wedding. Josh and I walked down the aisle together at our wedding. We felt we had already faced so much together, it only felt natural to take the first steps of the next phase of our relationship together.
My parents were un-invited from my wedding after I found out three months before the ceremony that my dad had sexually abused the shit out of all my sisters and they had been hiding it from me my whole life. No way was I going to have that piece of shit low life present on one of the most important days of my life. Nor my batshit crazy mother, who still to this day, defends what my dad did. Best decision I ever made.
I told my bridesmaids what was up and they played inteference for me from other family members so I didn’t have to explain to anyone why my parents were not at the wedding.
I haven’t spoken a word to my parents in 6 years and not a day goes by that I regret my decision to sever the ties. You CAN choose your family.
Anyway. Just wanted to share.
~Megan
#3 by nothingwitty on January 26, 2009 - 11:29 am
Holy cow Megan! I don’t blame you one bit…. Wow.
#4 by Heather on January 26, 2009 - 1:16 pm
LMAO!!!! Fricken funny woman!!!
I can’t imagine all the Spam you will get with this post!!!
#5 by daisymaeperez73@hotmail.com on January 27, 2009 - 7:57 am
My favorite part is how his email is “SteveMadonnaYeah” like, “Yeah…my name is Steve Madonna. You wanna make something out of it?!”
#6 by SteveYEAH on February 26, 2009 - 2:23 pm
Hah, I googled my name the other day, and this site came up. Hahahahah, I like daisy’s comment.