Sigh

Dear cat that my husband found at work almost dead from cold and called me to come and get:
I DON’T NEED A CAT! No, I will not name you Martini, even though that is CLEARLY your name. No, I will not let you tug on my heartstrings as you quietly mew underneath my desk in that box. QUIT WAVING YOUR CUTE PAWS AT ME! I see that you have WAY TOO MANY TOES on your feet. YES! I see that you are young and cute with a dirty face. NOOOOOO!
Somebody help me? Or Martini the cat with HELLA TOO MANY TOES will take up residence in my house.

She laid on my lap like this for four hours, in and out of consciousness occasionally drinking kitten formula I squeezed into her mouth from a bottle. And then woke up saying "I'm not dead yet! I think I could go for a walk! and oh! By the way BITCH, I'm wild!"

Oh look at my many extra toes! And I'm eating turkey! What kind humans you are! Although when I recover from hypothermia I will claw you in all my cuteness! I'm so CUTE!

Do you see that foot?  The other one is not quite as noticeable.  I’m in love with her for her toes.

Here, enjoy a close up!

It's like she had a twin and her foot absorbed all of it but half a foot! I mean seriously! LOOK AT THAT FOOT!

Thoughts on turning 30

Um, I noticed I have little wrinkles around my eyes.  I took a beauty quiz and this is what I was told:

To ensure that your skin feels as hydrated, balanced and refreshed as possible, cleanse with a gentle, creamy cleanser like CHANEL Lait Confort Creamy Cleansing Milk, $45. Follow that up with a hydrating eye cream like CHANEL Pécision Ultra Correction Eye Restructuring Anti-Wrinkle Firming Eye Cream, $85. (It contains radiance-boosting soft-focus pigments that mask fine lines — bonus!) For an ultra luxurious experience, treat your skin to an intensely moist eye-patch treatment like CHANEL Ultra Correction Total Eye Revitalizer, $125, which can smooth wrinkles and other imperfections within 10 days.

After your eye cream sinks in, apply a rich moisturizer with SPF for day (try CHANEL Précision Ultra Correction Lift Lifting Firming Day Cream SPF 15, $150, which also comes in an SPF-free, nighttime version). Should you prefer a lighter texture, try CHANEL Hydramax + Active Teinté tinted moisturizer, $60 for day and CHANEL Hydramax + Active Moisture Gel Cream, $70, for night instead.

Basically I just need to spend $535 and I’ll be young again?  Free from wrinkles? Forever 20? WEEEEEE!

Honestly?  20 sucked. SUCKED. I’ll take my 30 wrinkles, if it means I get to keep my 30 self esteem, my 30 happiness and my 30 confidence.

I like me now.  If liking me now means wrinkles?  I accept!  Wrinkles = Grace in small things.

Also, have you ever walked by the store Forever 21?  EVERYTHING IS UGLY!  Maybe it was just the things they had in the windows…. Maybe it’s not all ugly?

Thing that make me smile

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/

My sister in law’s www.babysites.com page.  I’m going to be an auntie in March again!

Tomorrow is Friday.  I am giving blood.

This is our weekend with Emma.  This makes us happy!

Corn maizes!

We are going for a train ride!  Emma will get to pick out her very own pumpkin from the pumpkin patch!  How awesome is that?

In other news…

The foreclosed meth house that the police officers told me had to be torn down (because of the meth lab underneath the house) now has squatters!  OH!  The JOY!   What kind of idiots want to live in a house like that and what can we do about it?  The bank so far is not doing anything with it, because it’s only worth the land it’s on.  Low on their priority list.

I’m joining the Idaho Athletic Club and it shall be great and glorious.  But I’m not doing it this week because I’m slightly not feeling good.

A first grader called my almost six year old daughter “HOT”.   Brian has threatened to murder him. She has also asked about “sex”, especially after her other dad let her watch inappropriate things last time she was with him.  I have taken proactive steps and ordered the books “Everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex, but were afraid they’d ask : the secret to surviving your child’s sexual development from birth to the teens” and “What’s the big secret? : talking about sex with girls and boys”.  So now I have to practice saying “The penis goes in the vagina”.  I told Brian that and he asked if we really had to tell her about “all that”.  I said, “Yes, if she’s old enough to be told lies then she needs the truth.”

I’ve officially started my life list.

I swear, by all that is holy, that I am going to hang ONE DAMN PICTURE this week, if it kills me.

I am taking a parenting class on Wednesdays (cause I wanted Jeff to take it and he only agreed to it if I’d take it too, except he still hasn’t taken it and he’s going to be pissed when he gets in trouble with the judge for not taking it) and I’m the only parent there who hasn’t A: lost custody of my child and B: Done Meth.  I’m the only one there by choice and while I have lots of things I’d rather do with my Wednesday, I’m actually enjoying what I’m learning, even if I’m not learning as much as the other people in the class.  The other people in the class are all really nice, and really trying and that makes me happy.

We chopped down a bunch shit and dug up a bunch of shit in our yard. It’s looking better. Our grass is coming back. I love my house!

We are all well, for the most part and healthy and happy, life is good!

As a whole, I don’t have a lot of hope for the human race.

Just take a look at THIS list of the 100 most frequently challenged books.  It contains books like:

Where’s Waldo?, by Martin Hanford

Lord of the Flies, by William Golding

A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstein

James and the Giant Peach, by Roald Dahl

JAMES AND THE FUCKING GIANT PEACH, for the love of all that is holy!  A CHILDREN’S BOOK.  A damned good one.  What I want to know is what crackpot parent thought that there was something harmful in James and the Giant Peach.

Honestly.

James and the Giant Peach is unsuitable for reading but I BET THEY LET THEM READ THE BIBLE, which is full of more Eff’d up stories than is on that list.

I actually like reading the bible, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good read if you can get through the first few books.  Full of religion? Sure! It was maybe even valid 5000 years ago!  Now a days?  Ya just gotta pick out the good parts and leave the rest behind. And before anyone can argue, I’ve read the bible cover to cover at least ten times. And not a watered down version.   Because even people who are “biblically correct” these days don’t endorse throwing their virgin daughters to the neighbors to keep em from banging on the doors. Or the stoning of people who make mistakes, etc.

And I’m all for Christ, and I actually believe in doing the things he said in the bible.  My problem is all the shit people have added on, after the fact.  There is a whole lot of messed up shit being done in his name I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed about.

Take you me for a sponge?

When all else fails, Shakespeare delivers.

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Hey look!

I put a wedding photo as my header!

ONE! One wedding pic!

I’m sorry, I’ve been swamped with work and life and I know you are all just DYING to see those pics, right?

(Crickets chirping)

I have a video too!!!

Anyway. Life is a bit quieter.  A bit.

I love this picture!

Things that make me happy.

THIS post, courtesy Dooce.  Thanks to her, I shall now address everyone as “My bitch”.

Sample:

Eventually, one night in total darkness, I arrived at the temple in Salt Lake City. I felt its facade and it was like a lightning bolt ran through my fingers, up and down my spine to my brain and my anus, filling me with the electricity of hope, something I’d never felt before. I sat on the steps until dawn came, and a man of the cloth arrived.

“Who are you?” he said.

“I’m a fucking believer, my bitch,” I said. Having grown up on the block, this was the only way I had ever heard people talk. I had no idea it was offensive. In a surge of faith that this man would not judge me, I took off my Stormtrooper mask to reveal my lack of a face.

“I’m sorry,” he said, scrunching his face in disgust. ”I don’t think we can accommadate you.”

I highly recomend reading it. Unless you don’t have a sense of humor,  in which case you may be excused.

Vanilla Lattes.

Pictures of PUPPIES.

On igoogle I have a pet turtle. I used to have two but I forgot about them and I think one died.

Remembering how my brother had this game with worms in it and the worms bombed shit and stuff.