In the quiet round these here parts…

I continue to become larger and larger. Speaking of my expanding abdomen, Brian says, "It's like an Imperial Star Destroyer, you can't ignore it..."

Everything is perfect! Perfect I tell you! I kick my mommy ruthlessly, following in the footsteps of my big sister! Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a girl? And my name is Alice Elizabeth?

Note to self, girl’s got attitude. Also? Must find scanner, to scan in decent pictures of Alice’s cuteness. Also? Must buy new camera. Must.  Cell phone camera not cutting it.

We were wondering where poor Alice was going to find room to snuggle... I'm guessing Boo is going to be finding a new snuggle spot...

God, I REALLY need a new camera... This is a normal evening activity at our house. Emma will balance Alice on her, and then our circus act will be complete. It's nice to know we'll always have employment.

Letter to my daughter

Dear Emma,

You are everything I hoped you’d be. You are hugs and kisses, moments of exasperation, sleepless nights and nights where you sleeping next to me is the best feeling in the world. You are one exploratory minute after the next, and everyday I am amazed at your capacity for learning and endless curiosity and willingness to try anything.

You have such an ability for learning.  I’d say smart, but you made mama take college courses to keep up with you, and one thing I learned is that no one is smart, that our brains have infinite capacity and you are intent on using yours and doing the best you can. You are smart because you try so hard, and have such a hunger to learn. I am proud of you.  I am so very very proud. I went to parent teacher conferences and really, the things you have to work on are things you should know at the beginning of next year.  I’m silly because I got worked up when I felt like the teacher was criticizing you, but really, she wasn’t. No one else in your class can do what you do right now. No matter how much you know you will always have room for growth. I’m grateful for a teacher who can point that out.

One part of me is really really happy you are beautiful.  You look like me, but I can tell you that you will be a thousand times more lovely that I am when you grow up. You also somehow have athletic ability, which certainly didn’t come from me.  This Saturday is your first soccer game. Your daddy will be coaching you and he’s very excited. When I see the two of you together I am forever amazed at how perfectly you belong together.

I have regretted many things in my life, but I have never for one second regretted you. Looking at you makes my regrets worthwhile, since the paths I took led me to you.

Being your mama has led me down a path to being a better, stronger person.  The thought of you was what let me leave my first marriage, since I figured out I’d never be good enough in his eyes to be a mother.  The reality of you let me leave the second marriage, because you deserve every safety and protection a child can have.  You also deserve a mother who loves herself as much as she loves you. You deserve to see your mother loved and valued. Being your mother taught me to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Being your mother has taught me my own value as a human being, and taught me to stand up for myself, and demand that I be treated well.

I work harder, I pick up more trash, I recycle more cans, and I do it for you, because I believe I’d better leave you this world I invited you to join in the best condition I can.  And I am not alone. There are other people working just as hard as I am. So when you become discouraged because you don’t feel that you can make a difference, then just try a little harder. You will never regret trying harder, but you might regret inaction. I am proud that you, at age seven, are a protector of children who need help, that you do not stand by and let other children be hurt and bullied. I hope you can always continue that, even though I know sometimes it will lead to you being hurt.   I don’t want you to be hurt. But I also never want you to stand by and watch an evil being done either. I know you are good, and I have faith in you.

Becoming your mama has changed who I am, from my religion and politics,  my sensitivity to the horrors this world contains but also to the great good it contains. Little Sweetheart, Little Bella Boo, my SnuggaBuggaBoo, my little Lovey, the world is beautiful  and full of beautiful people and I see it better because of you.

You are everything that is right with the world.  You are the solution. You are everthing I hoped you would be and you are so much more.

All my love,

Mama

Inexplicable

Inexplicable how one minute they are tiny infants and the next they are reading and writing.

Had some pictures taken, this is one of the proofs. I'm evil- I couldn't wait for the disc to get here to share, so here is a sneak peak. This one is my favorite!

And have two wiggly loose teeth.  I’m not sure why the teeth have me all weepy, but they do.

Such is parenthood, I guess.  Always bittersweet.

Truth.

If it is sharp, I will cut myself.
The other night I used the food processor and was washing it.
“That blade on the disc is sharp,” I tell myself, “and I must be careful not to touch it!”
And then as if my hand has a mind of its own my finger goes over to the blade and the flesh parts easily, resulting in a cut that bleeds for a day. Why my hand did the opposite of what I was thinking I don’t understand.

I’m like that with people too.  I’m learning, slowly.

Some people you can’t get close to without being injured.

Sometimes you can’t keep people from cutting themselves either.

Buster the Chug (Ribbed for his pleasure)

(Sorry, couldn’t help myself) It is! LOOK!

All right, maybe not "ribbed", perhaps "nubbed?"

Either way, HE LIKES IT, and he’s not ashamed!

If you want me to bite it mom, I will. Nom Nom Nom.

Buster is FUN!  He can be a pill, like the other morning when a huge wind came through in the night, knocked the wheelbarrow over which broke the fence, resulting in a two slat opening, JUST wide enough for him to squeeze through.  Which I didn’t know when I let him out to go potty before I left for work.  So when I let him in 10 minutes later and he didn’t come in… There was much terror. And ten minutes of us driving through our neighborhood looking for him.  Emma was crying that someone was going to steal her dog.  We found him…and Brian fixed the fence when he came home.

Emma adores him:

Love:)

They sing, they dance!

Kisses! Kisses!

Sometimes he just tolerates her exuberant affection, but he loves her lots!

All we need is love!

This dog is SPOILED.  I cannot go shopping without buying him something.  And he’s a chewer, so most thing go quickly.  Here is his assorted loot in one room.

One room's worth, although he does tend to carry his favorites around with him

He got a new baby tonight, see?.

I'm such a good daddy! Or wait....

I'm very small and alone and helpless and cute!

Oh, I have fear!

And having owned hedgehog for exactly two hours the squeaker is already gone!

Gator has seen better days- but is his most favorite of toys. I found him in Winco and will be looking for a replacement next timeI go.

And OMG, do you see his cute little wrinkles?  Around his nose? I just want to bite them, they are so cute!  He is SUCH a cute dog!

Big Bone! Big Bone! This is his nylabone, which he love very much too. DAMN but them's expensive!

Just so you don't think my life is *so* easy, I'll have all of you know she made me SIT for this milkbone and then lay down and THEN? SHE TRIED TO PUT IT ON MY NOSE! My mommy is HEARTLESS, I tell you. My life? One huge tragedy.

He will never be a Chuck, I’m afraid…

Don't look at me like that, I live a life of TORTURE! TORTURE!

O.M.G! LOOK at his face, his cute little face and TELL me how you can not love him? I mean seriously, LOOK AT THIS FACE!

He has an appointment to get his balls chopped off next month- since it’s tax season I need a Saturday appointment.  He spends his spare time looking at girls on the internet- He thinks Ella is QUITE fetching and Pearl has LOVELY eyes and a stunning coat!  He’s quite the ladies man, he just doesn’t know it’s about to come to an end!

He sleeps with Brian and I and prefers to be IN THE MIDDLE.  When we are settling in for the night he tries to sneak in- it’s hilarious, the innocent look on his face.  He KNOWS he’s supposed to be at the bottom of the bed but he wants SO desperately to be in the middle!  A couple of nights ago I woke Brian up laughing because he’d wiggled up between us and was tummy up, snoring! ( He does snore, but not as much or as loud as a pug does.)  As it is, one of us is constantly moving him back down and to the side.  SOMEONE complains about it but when I said we COULD kennel him if we had to at night, someone wouldn’t hear about it. SOMEONE loves this dog just as much as I do.

We’d both prefer it if he wanted to sleep with Emma, but he’s very much oriented towards adults it seems.  And she likes it when he snuggles her, but since he’s a cuddler and she’s a sprawler they are both contented to sleep apart.  We just need a bigger bed.

Speaking of beds…I’m off to mine:)

Christmas Eve

Buster is staying.  My sister and I talked and she loves the hell out of this dog.

She loved him enough to admit:

• She can’t keep him safe from my sisters very aggressive and big dogs,
• She doesn’t have a job (not from lack of looking) so how can she pay for food and vet bills,
• She doesn’t know where she’s going to be living,
• She’s going to college *somewhere*

She’s a good girl, she really is.  She’s thinking of moving in with her boyfriend which I think is BAD BAD BAD, as she’s 18!  And he just turned 23.  Five years is an eternity when you are that age.  It’s not that I don’t like the BF (don’t know him) but she’s so young! She should be having fun and running away to exotic places on spring break!  I don’t want her to feel trapped.  I want her to go out and experience life.

But she’s 18 and invincible and has to make her own mistakes and I understand that- I got married at her age… Scary. She’s still a baby.

So Buster is staying with us.  I spent an hour last night checking the fence and now I know for sure he can’t get out.  It’s cold enough he’s happy to go out, do his business and come back in and snuggle.  We need a bigger bed, since he HAS to sleep with us.

Emma has been begging BEGGING for a dog so it’s an early Christmas present for her (and for us) and you should SEE how Brian adores him.  He claims to not like small dogs but there is definite adoration when he talks to Buster.

Emma is off for her Christmas Eve visit with her paternal side.  I’ll pick her up at 10 tonight.  I hope she’s having fun.  I’m at work for a couple of hours and then I’ll be off to shop for a couple more things, and wrap and bake.

I’m lonely for my baby- always.

But soon she’ll be home and guess what?

It FEELS like Christmas to me. It’s been a stressful couple of months for us- but things are better now and sometimes? A little struggle makes you appreciate what you have.  Brian keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and the answer is what I already have.   I have him, I have Emma, we have each other. What more do we need?

Grace in Small Things 42.365

• Friends
• Family
• A warm house
• A little snow on the ground!
• Leaving work early

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Counting my blessings

Brian and I are snuggling and chatting about $$ which is tight right now.  It might have been stressful but then he said “It’s not bad being poor when I have you!”  Which is how I feel too. Last year I got a diamond ring for Christmas.  This year we are not exchanging presents, but we are still so happy.  It’s easy to be happy when you’ve got “enough”.  It’s just sometimes you have to learn what “Enough” is.  It’s taken me some time to figure it out.  I still tend to internalize things, stew on them… You’d think after three years as a team I’d know to take my worries to Brian but I forget!  I spent so long doing it myself that I forget I don’t have to.  I always feel better after we talk.

We are good.

We are healthy.

We have food.

We can pay our mortgage.

We are together, a family.

It’s hard but we can do it, hell, I even have a gym membership!  (Although having the contract sucks…) We have so much more than we need, really.  I am grateful.

S.O.S or Save our Sanity

We have pulled Emma out of daycare for a few weeks to save some money.  It’s tight right now.  Really tight.  I love her, I love having her near me, but it’s tough having her at work with me. She wants to play with me and sit on my lap and I have to work, so it’s tough.  I feel conflicted. And of course I’d rather have her on my lap:)  So this might drive us both crazy. I think we’ll get used to the routine and get more comfortable at it. She’s good about coloring and playing by herself. She’s really so very marvelous and I’m really grateful that we HAVE this option. So this is not a vent or me complaining but just talking.

In which we pat ourselves on the back for having a great child.

Emma is brilliant. No, that’s not just me being a proud mama, she is truly brilliant.  Her kindergarten teacher told me so!

They’ve changed grading systems this year and while she can’t test for advanced placement in kindergarten she says Emma is more than advanced.  She seemed surprised that I didn’t know.  I’ve always known Emma was smart, I just never considered she might be smarter than other kids her age. (Well, after volunteering I knew, but I don’t ever want to be the stuck up parent who thinks my kid is SOOOO smart!)

I really like her teacher, she’s so sweet (just like a kindergarten teacher needs to be) and when I walked in she said “I don’t feel like you even need to be here! You’ve volunteered enough to know how we run things and you know how smart she is! Emma is so sweet and so kind to the other kids, and she helps the ones who don’t quite get it.  She so bright and fun and clever and sensitive and affectionate, I wish I had 20 like her in my class!  She makes my job easy!”

What mother wouldn’t like to hear that?

She also told me there is a little boy with some undiagnosed learning problems who can also be not very nice (probably because he’s frustrated, poor little guy, I’ve worked with him) and she says Emma is always kind to him.  Which makes me happy.  Smart and Kind. That’s my girl.

 

OMG Lindsey Lohan

I just realized that Lindsey Lohan and I are like soul sisters because we both have bat-shit crazy fathers!  Of course, that’s where the resemblance ends because I’ve never done drugs or gotten a DUI etc…

But dude Lindsey. I feel your pain.