In the quiet round these here parts…

I continue to become larger and larger. Speaking of my expanding abdomen, Brian says, "It's like an Imperial Star Destroyer, you can't ignore it..."

Everything is perfect! Perfect I tell you! I kick my mommy ruthlessly, following in the footsteps of my big sister! Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a girl? And my name is Alice Elizabeth?

Note to self, girl’s got attitude. Also? Must find scanner, to scan in decent pictures of Alice’s cuteness. Also? Must buy new camera. Must.  Cell phone camera not cutting it.

We were wondering where poor Alice was going to find room to snuggle... I'm guessing Boo is going to be finding a new snuggle spot...

God, I REALLY need a new camera... This is a normal evening activity at our house. Emma will balance Alice on her, and then our circus act will be complete. It's nice to know we'll always have employment.

Letter to my daughter

Dear Emma,

You are everything I hoped you’d be. You are hugs and kisses, moments of exasperation, sleepless nights and nights where you sleeping next to me is the best feeling in the world. You are one exploratory minute after the next, and everyday I am amazed at your capacity for learning and endless curiosity and willingness to try anything.

You have such an ability for learning.  I’d say smart, but you made mama take college courses to keep up with you, and one thing I learned is that no one is smart, that our brains have infinite capacity and you are intent on using yours and doing the best you can. You are smart because you try so hard, and have such a hunger to learn. I am proud of you.  I am so very very proud. I went to parent teacher conferences and really, the things you have to work on are things you should know at the beginning of next year.  I’m silly because I got worked up when I felt like the teacher was criticizing you, but really, she wasn’t. No one else in your class can do what you do right now. No matter how much you know you will always have room for growth. I’m grateful for a teacher who can point that out.

One part of me is really really happy you are beautiful.  You look like me, but I can tell you that you will be a thousand times more lovely that I am when you grow up. You also somehow have athletic ability, which certainly didn’t come from me.  This Saturday is your first soccer game. Your daddy will be coaching you and he’s very excited. When I see the two of you together I am forever amazed at how perfectly you belong together.

I have regretted many things in my life, but I have never for one second regretted you. Looking at you makes my regrets worthwhile, since the paths I took led me to you.

Being your mama has led me down a path to being a better, stronger person.  The thought of you was what let me leave my first marriage, since I figured out I’d never be good enough in his eyes to be a mother.  The reality of you let me leave the second marriage, because you deserve every safety and protection a child can have.  You also deserve a mother who loves herself as much as she loves you. You deserve to see your mother loved and valued. Being your mother taught me to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Being your mother has taught me my own value as a human being, and taught me to stand up for myself, and demand that I be treated well.

I work harder, I pick up more trash, I recycle more cans, and I do it for you, because I believe I’d better leave you this world I invited you to join in the best condition I can.  And I am not alone. There are other people working just as hard as I am. So when you become discouraged because you don’t feel that you can make a difference, then just try a little harder. You will never regret trying harder, but you might regret inaction. I am proud that you, at age seven, are a protector of children who need help, that you do not stand by and let other children be hurt and bullied. I hope you can always continue that, even though I know sometimes it will lead to you being hurt.   I don’t want you to be hurt. But I also never want you to stand by and watch an evil being done either. I know you are good, and I have faith in you.

Becoming your mama has changed who I am, from my religion and politics,  my sensitivity to the horrors this world contains but also to the great good it contains. Little Sweetheart, Little Bella Boo, my SnuggaBuggaBoo, my little Lovey, the world is beautiful  and full of beautiful people and I see it better because of you.

You are everything that is right with the world.  You are the solution. You are everthing I hoped you would be and you are so much more.

All my love,

Mama

The Thug Life

"Damn it feels good to be a gangsta"

HEY! Don’t you laugh at him! Hims got a TOUGH life!  Hims barking and moaning and telling his mom right NOW that it’s time to go to bed. (He does. He sits and “talks” to me until we go to bed when HE thinks its time.  I love this dog!)

Just desserts

If you follow me on Twitter, today you might have read this:

I asked my husband if he would bring me a cupcake.

He asked me if I would not love him anymore if he didn’t.

I’d had a shitty day- I tangled with a difficult client (no fun!) so I told him it might keep me from killing someone.

When I got home, this was waiting for me!

Brian for the WIN!

He is all kinds of awesome, everyday.

If I could clone him I’d make a fortune.

Inexplicable

Inexplicable how one minute they are tiny infants and the next they are reading and writing.

Had some pictures taken, this is one of the proofs. I'm evil- I couldn't wait for the disc to get here to share, so here is a sneak peak. This one is my favorite!

And have two wiggly loose teeth.  I’m not sure why the teeth have me all weepy, but they do.

Such is parenthood, I guess.  Always bittersweet.

In which she shares a funny commercial, and tells you all about how she shouted “Avada Kedavra!”at the fruit tart she was cooking!

First things first. I was watching sponge bob with my nieces and I saw a funny commercial.

It’s moderately horrifying, actually:

There were others!

Stupid advertising.  Now I want some!

Nextly!

It is my sister Elena’s birthday on Tuesday and I made her dinner tonight.  She wanted chicken and rice and a fruit tart.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY!

I made rice with chicken stock, simple, flavorful and delicious!

I made King Ranch Chicken! MUAH! (I’ll post that recipe later since our family has changed it a bit)

I hunted around the internet and found a recipe for Brown Butter Fruit Tart. I even watched the video!  It looked SCRUMPTIOUS!

This is how it's supposed to look!

Neither did it look complex! I bought peaches and blueberries and cooked and when I took it out of the oven it was lovely.  Still looked a little watery, but I though, hell, it probably needs to cool.  So I left it alone.

We ate dinner, went to eat it and THIS IS WHAT WE GOT!

Delicious Fruit Soup

W.T.F?

I am a competent cook.  I may flatter myself to even be a GOOD cook.  And YES, I can bake!  So what the fuck did I do wrong?

We tried it and it TASTES marvelous- but it’s runny!  It’s like soup!  It puffed up gloriously souffle like as the recipe said it would. But then? This.

Elena was sweet about it.  When I got worried that it was still liquid I took a frozen chocolate pie out of the freezer and much good eating was had by all.

I did go back to the recipe page and the reviews were…. Not great.  Had I read them  I might have thought twice about it.  I’m going to try it again and I’m going to add more flour next time.  I think that might be the problem.

So yes. I killed something I cooked and I killed it in a dramatic and horrifying way.

I knew you’d all love to hear my disaster. Tomorrow I will bake the shit out of a new tart.

Bastard.

Life list

So you know my life list?  Instead of adding to it, I’ve crossed one off!  This is the first one I’ve crossed off and I’m pleased with myself!

#47 Make a souffle!

I don't actually OWN a souffle pan, so this had to do- it worked well. I will decrease the baking time next time- it wasn't quite "gooey" in the center as the recipe said. But HEY, I've never made one before and YEAH! One Item crossed off my list!

Well of COURSE it’s chocolate! What? You are surprised?  Delicious!

Emma checking to see when it's going to be done.

Mmm! It was scruptious!

Buster thinks it's BULLSHIT that he doesn't get any!

He does, however, think that snuggling inbetween mom and dad is the awesomest thing ever!

Buster the Chug (Ribbed for his pleasure)

(Sorry, couldn’t help myself) It is! LOOK!

All right, maybe not "ribbed", perhaps "nubbed?"

Either way, HE LIKES IT, and he’s not ashamed!

If you want me to bite it mom, I will. Nom Nom Nom.

Buster is FUN!  He can be a pill, like the other morning when a huge wind came through in the night, knocked the wheelbarrow over which broke the fence, resulting in a two slat opening, JUST wide enough for him to squeeze through.  Which I didn’t know when I let him out to go potty before I left for work.  So when I let him in 10 minutes later and he didn’t come in… There was much terror. And ten minutes of us driving through our neighborhood looking for him.  Emma was crying that someone was going to steal her dog.  We found him…and Brian fixed the fence when he came home.

Emma adores him:

Love:)

They sing, they dance!

Kisses! Kisses!

Sometimes he just tolerates her exuberant affection, but he loves her lots!

All we need is love!

This dog is SPOILED.  I cannot go shopping without buying him something.  And he’s a chewer, so most thing go quickly.  Here is his assorted loot in one room.

One room's worth, although he does tend to carry his favorites around with him

He got a new baby tonight, see?.

I'm such a good daddy! Or wait....

I'm very small and alone and helpless and cute!

Oh, I have fear!

And having owned hedgehog for exactly two hours the squeaker is already gone!

Gator has seen better days- but is his most favorite of toys. I found him in Winco and will be looking for a replacement next timeI go.

And OMG, do you see his cute little wrinkles?  Around his nose? I just want to bite them, they are so cute!  He is SUCH a cute dog!

Big Bone! Big Bone! This is his nylabone, which he love very much too. DAMN but them's expensive!

Just so you don't think my life is *so* easy, I'll have all of you know she made me SIT for this milkbone and then lay down and THEN? SHE TRIED TO PUT IT ON MY NOSE! My mommy is HEARTLESS, I tell you. My life? One huge tragedy.

He will never be a Chuck, I’m afraid…

Don't look at me like that, I live a life of TORTURE! TORTURE!

O.M.G! LOOK at his face, his cute little face and TELL me how you can not love him? I mean seriously, LOOK AT THIS FACE!

He has an appointment to get his balls chopped off next month- since it’s tax season I need a Saturday appointment.  He spends his spare time looking at girls on the internet- He thinks Ella is QUITE fetching and Pearl has LOVELY eyes and a stunning coat!  He’s quite the ladies man, he just doesn’t know it’s about to come to an end!

He sleeps with Brian and I and prefers to be IN THE MIDDLE.  When we are settling in for the night he tries to sneak in- it’s hilarious, the innocent look on his face.  He KNOWS he’s supposed to be at the bottom of the bed but he wants SO desperately to be in the middle!  A couple of nights ago I woke Brian up laughing because he’d wiggled up between us and was tummy up, snoring! ( He does snore, but not as much or as loud as a pug does.)  As it is, one of us is constantly moving him back down and to the side.  SOMEONE complains about it but when I said we COULD kennel him if we had to at night, someone wouldn’t hear about it. SOMEONE loves this dog just as much as I do.

We’d both prefer it if he wanted to sleep with Emma, but he’s very much oriented towards adults it seems.  And she likes it when he snuggles her, but since he’s a cuddler and she’s a sprawler they are both contented to sleep apart.  We just need a bigger bed.

Speaking of beds…I’m off to mine:)

Hail, oh proud and mighty year

I’m not making new years resolutions.  Oh I had, don’t get me wrong- I was going to, but then I read this, from the wonderful Amy:

“I’ve written before about new year’s resolutions, saying back in 2007, “If you aren’t willing to work on changing or improving yourself the whole year round, what’s the point of making list of unachievable, unrealistic statements about how you’re going to change that year, especially if no one is making you accountable for reaching or not reaching those goals?”

I still feel that way. So I’m not going to write a list of things I want to change about myself. Instead, today I’m going to write a list of things I LIKE about myself.“

The sheer amount of positivity overwhelmed me.  Of course there are things I’m working on for myself- but how often do we look in the mirror, and give ourselves permission to love ourselves?

2009 was hard and awesome.  So I’m going to take a look and acknowledge all the stuff that was awesome about it (and me!).

• I planned a wedding!  I got married!  I found vows that I loved! AND I managed to get booze and chocolate into the ceremony!
• We bought a house and spent an insane amount of time in the back yard!
• I did lots of camping and stargazing!
• I got much better at doing taxes.
• Several times, I took the higher ground.  I said nothing or I said sorry first.
• I tried new recipes!
• I’ve stood up for myself!
• I’ve written more!
• I’ve made more friends
• I’ve taken part in community events
• I volunteered in Emma’s class
• I’ve signed up for college

YEAH!  See? 2009 wasn’t so awful, was it?  NO!  It was wonderful!  And to top it all off, Buster Boo Barnaby Bigglesworth has joined our family.  We weren’t looking to get  a dog, but apparently we needed one because the universe shoved him into our home (and into our bed!)  and none of us can imagine not having him lying on our feet!

Thank you 2009, it’s been a good year, I’m looking forward to 2010!

Christmas Eve

Buster is staying.  My sister and I talked and she loves the hell out of this dog.

She loved him enough to admit:

• She can’t keep him safe from my sisters very aggressive and big dogs,
• She doesn’t have a job (not from lack of looking) so how can she pay for food and vet bills,
• She doesn’t know where she’s going to be living,
• She’s going to college *somewhere*

She’s a good girl, she really is.  She’s thinking of moving in with her boyfriend which I think is BAD BAD BAD, as she’s 18!  And he just turned 23.  Five years is an eternity when you are that age.  It’s not that I don’t like the BF (don’t know him) but she’s so young! She should be having fun and running away to exotic places on spring break!  I don’t want her to feel trapped.  I want her to go out and experience life.

But she’s 18 and invincible and has to make her own mistakes and I understand that- I got married at her age… Scary. She’s still a baby.

So Buster is staying with us.  I spent an hour last night checking the fence and now I know for sure he can’t get out.  It’s cold enough he’s happy to go out, do his business and come back in and snuggle.  We need a bigger bed, since he HAS to sleep with us.

Emma has been begging BEGGING for a dog so it’s an early Christmas present for her (and for us) and you should SEE how Brian adores him.  He claims to not like small dogs but there is definite adoration when he talks to Buster.

Emma is off for her Christmas Eve visit with her paternal side.  I’ll pick her up at 10 tonight.  I hope she’s having fun.  I’m at work for a couple of hours and then I’ll be off to shop for a couple more things, and wrap and bake.

I’m lonely for my baby- always.

But soon she’ll be home and guess what?

It FEELS like Christmas to me. It’s been a stressful couple of months for us- but things are better now and sometimes? A little struggle makes you appreciate what you have.  Brian keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and the answer is what I already have.   I have him, I have Emma, we have each other. What more do we need?

Grace in Small Things 42.365

• Friends
• Family
• A warm house
• A little snow on the ground!
• Leaving work early

Merry Christmas Everyone!