Life list

So you know my life list?  Instead of adding to it, I’ve crossed one off!  This is the first one I’ve crossed off and I’m pleased with myself!

#47 Make a souffle!

I don't actually OWN a souffle pan, so this had to do- it worked well. I will decrease the baking time next time- it wasn't quite "gooey" in the center as the recipe said. But HEY, I've never made one before and YEAH! One Item crossed off my list!

Well of COURSE it’s chocolate! What? You are surprised?  Delicious!

Emma checking to see when it's going to be done.

Mmm! It was scruptious!

Buster thinks it's BULLSHIT that he doesn't get any!

He does, however, think that snuggling inbetween mom and dad is the awesomest thing ever!

Hail, oh proud and mighty year

I’m not making new years resolutions.  Oh I had, don’t get me wrong- I was going to, but then I read this, from the wonderful Amy:

“I’ve written before about new year’s resolutions, saying back in 2007, “If you aren’t willing to work on changing or improving yourself the whole year round, what’s the point of making list of unachievable, unrealistic statements about how you’re going to change that year, especially if no one is making you accountable for reaching or not reaching those goals?”

I still feel that way. So I’m not going to write a list of things I want to change about myself. Instead, today I’m going to write a list of things I LIKE about myself.“

The sheer amount of positivity overwhelmed me.  Of course there are things I’m working on for myself- but how often do we look in the mirror, and give ourselves permission to love ourselves?

2009 was hard and awesome.  So I’m going to take a look and acknowledge all the stuff that was awesome about it (and me!).

• I planned a wedding!  I got married!  I found vows that I loved! AND I managed to get booze and chocolate into the ceremony!
• We bought a house and spent an insane amount of time in the back yard!
• I did lots of camping and stargazing!
• I got much better at doing taxes.
• Several times, I took the higher ground.  I said nothing or I said sorry first.
• I tried new recipes!
• I’ve stood up for myself!
• I’ve written more!
• I’ve made more friends
• I’ve taken part in community events
• I volunteered in Emma’s class
• I’ve signed up for college

YEAH!  See? 2009 wasn’t so awful, was it?  NO!  It was wonderful!  And to top it all off, Buster Boo Barnaby Bigglesworth has joined our family.  We weren’t looking to get  a dog, but apparently we needed one because the universe shoved him into our home (and into our bed!)  and none of us can imagine not having him lying on our feet!

Thank you 2009, it’s been a good year, I’m looking forward to 2010!

Christmas Eve

Buster is staying.  My sister and I talked and she loves the hell out of this dog.

She loved him enough to admit:

• She can’t keep him safe from my sisters very aggressive and big dogs,
• She doesn’t have a job (not from lack of looking) so how can she pay for food and vet bills,
• She doesn’t know where she’s going to be living,
• She’s going to college *somewhere*

She’s a good girl, she really is.  She’s thinking of moving in with her boyfriend which I think is BAD BAD BAD, as she’s 18!  And he just turned 23.  Five years is an eternity when you are that age.  It’s not that I don’t like the BF (don’t know him) but she’s so young! She should be having fun and running away to exotic places on spring break!  I don’t want her to feel trapped.  I want her to go out and experience life.

But she’s 18 and invincible and has to make her own mistakes and I understand that- I got married at her age… Scary. She’s still a baby.

So Buster is staying with us.  I spent an hour last night checking the fence and now I know for sure he can’t get out.  It’s cold enough he’s happy to go out, do his business and come back in and snuggle.  We need a bigger bed, since he HAS to sleep with us.

Emma has been begging BEGGING for a dog so it’s an early Christmas present for her (and for us) and you should SEE how Brian adores him.  He claims to not like small dogs but there is definite adoration when he talks to Buster.

Emma is off for her Christmas Eve visit with her paternal side.  I’ll pick her up at 10 tonight.  I hope she’s having fun.  I’m at work for a couple of hours and then I’ll be off to shop for a couple more things, and wrap and bake.

I’m lonely for my baby- always.

But soon she’ll be home and guess what?

It FEELS like Christmas to me. It’s been a stressful couple of months for us- but things are better now and sometimes? A little struggle makes you appreciate what you have.  Brian keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and the answer is what I already have.   I have him, I have Emma, we have each other. What more do we need?

Grace in Small Things 42.365

• Friends
• Family
• A warm house
• A little snow on the ground!
• Leaving work early

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Counting my blessings

Brian and I are snuggling and chatting about $$ which is tight right now.  It might have been stressful but then he said “It’s not bad being poor when I have you!”  Which is how I feel too. Last year I got a diamond ring for Christmas.  This year we are not exchanging presents, but we are still so happy.  It’s easy to be happy when you’ve got “enough”.  It’s just sometimes you have to learn what “Enough” is.  It’s taken me some time to figure it out.  I still tend to internalize things, stew on them… You’d think after three years as a team I’d know to take my worries to Brian but I forget!  I spent so long doing it myself that I forget I don’t have to.  I always feel better after we talk.

We are good.

We are healthy.

We have food.

We can pay our mortgage.

We are together, a family.

It’s hard but we can do it, hell, I even have a gym membership!  (Although having the contract sucks…) We have so much more than we need, really.  I am grateful.

S.O.S or Save our Sanity

We have pulled Emma out of daycare for a few weeks to save some money.  It’s tight right now.  Really tight.  I love her, I love having her near me, but it’s tough having her at work with me. She wants to play with me and sit on my lap and I have to work, so it’s tough.  I feel conflicted. And of course I’d rather have her on my lap:)  So this might drive us both crazy. I think we’ll get used to the routine and get more comfortable at it. She’s good about coloring and playing by herself. She’s really so very marvelous and I’m really grateful that we HAVE this option. So this is not a vent or me complaining but just talking.

Sharing

So you know how life can be good?  Like really good and you know it’s good and you are really happy?

But the small things (and some big things) overwhelm you and you just can’t seem to remember all the good things that make you happy because of the few not so great things in your life?

And so you are actually kind of sad?  And depressed?  And maybe feel like you are coming undone at the seams?

Yes? No?

I’m struggling right now.   To feel happy, to see the good and to not let the bad take over.

- Just so you know, my marriage is wonderful- Brian is wonderful, Emma is wonderful.

Many things in my life are wonderful. I’m just getting bogged down right now. So I’m thinking I’ll go back to doing the Grace in Small Things.  It really helped.  We shall see, eh?

Thing that make me smile

http://www.picturesforsadchildren.com/

My sister in law’s www.babysites.com page.  I’m going to be an auntie in March again!

Tomorrow is Friday.  I am giving blood.

This is our weekend with Emma.  This makes us happy!

Corn maizes!

We are going for a train ride!  Emma will get to pick out her very own pumpkin from the pumpkin patch!  How awesome is that?

My husband and I just had a Ménage à trois with a spider.

No. Not on purpose.

Yes. The spider is now dead.

Brian had to defend my honor.

You are welcome.

In which Brian learns a valuable lesson

A couple of weeks ago the boys were playing Axis and Allies until three in the morning.  Not a problem.  Except they were drinking.  Again, not a problem.  Except Brian said he’s be home by ONE and it was THREE when I woke up and his phone was dead and I didn’t know where he was.

He came home and didn’t quite understand why I was pissed. (Cause I was worried!?)  But he was suitably repentant and life moved on!

Last night we watched Amélie, a subtitled french film. ADORABLE.  If you like subtitles, which I do. Call me crazy.

Anyway, there comes a point in the movie where she’s supposed to meet up with her male interest and he’s late, and her brain goes a little crazy.

“-Nino’s late. For Amelie, there’s only two possible explanations

. He didn’t find the picture.

. He didn’t have time to piece it together

because repeat offenders took him hostage.

Chased by the police,

they managed to escape.

But he caused an accident.

When he recovered, he couldn’t remember anything.

A trucker gave him a ride

and believing that he is a fugitive, put him in a container to Istanbul.

There, he came across Afghan adventurers,

who took him with them to steal soviet missiles.

But their lorry exploded on a landmine in Tajikistan.

The only survivor, mountaineers helped him out,

and he became a mujaheddin fighter.”

“THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN DOES!”  I exclaim to Brian!  “This is what I think when you are late!  My brain automatically takes something tiny and explodes it into something big.”

And now Brian knows how crazy I can truly be.  And he still loves me anyway! SO really the lesson learned is that I have a French brain or something.

I loved the movie! You should watch it!

Ian

I miss my brother the most when I’m the happiest.  The first time I ever held my daughter I was so overwhelmed with love for her, so happy and also missing him so much, because my daughter would never know him.  He’s a name and a picture, nothing more to her.  It seems a shame to me that Brian doesn’t get to know him either other than a name in stories.  To them, he might as well be a fictional character.

I don’t much mind it, the missing him, it’s made me more appreciative of life and love.  I would rather miss him every day of my life than forget about him, love is so worth it.

My brother would have been 28 today.  I guess he is 28 anyway, even though he’s gone he still comes back and visits,  I think just to check in on me.  I think he’s proud of me.  I know he’s happy for me.

Happy birthday brother.  I love you.