Letter to my daughter

Dear Emma,

You are everything I hoped you’d be. You are hugs and kisses, moments of exasperation, sleepless nights and nights where you sleeping next to me is the best feeling in the world. You are one exploratory minute after the next, and everyday I am amazed at your capacity for learning and endless curiosity and willingness to try anything.

You have such an ability for learning.  I’d say smart, but you made mama take college courses to keep up with you, and one thing I learned is that no one is smart, that our brains have infinite capacity and you are intent on using yours and doing the best you can. You are smart because you try so hard, and have such a hunger to learn. I am proud of you.  I am so very very proud. I went to parent teacher conferences and really, the things you have to work on are things you should know at the beginning of next year.  I’m silly because I got worked up when I felt like the teacher was criticizing you, but really, she wasn’t. No one else in your class can do what you do right now. No matter how much you know you will always have room for growth. I’m grateful for a teacher who can point that out.

One part of me is really really happy you are beautiful.  You look like me, but I can tell you that you will be a thousand times more lovely that I am when you grow up. You also somehow have athletic ability, which certainly didn’t come from me.  This Saturday is your first soccer game. Your daddy will be coaching you and he’s very excited. When I see the two of you together I am forever amazed at how perfectly you belong together.

I have regretted many things in my life, but I have never for one second regretted you. Looking at you makes my regrets worthwhile, since the paths I took led me to you.

Being your mama has led me down a path to being a better, stronger person.  The thought of you was what let me leave my first marriage, since I figured out I’d never be good enough in his eyes to be a mother.  The reality of you let me leave the second marriage, because you deserve every safety and protection a child can have.  You also deserve a mother who loves herself as much as she loves you. You deserve to see your mother loved and valued. Being your mother taught me to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Being your mother has taught me my own value as a human being, and taught me to stand up for myself, and demand that I be treated well.

I work harder, I pick up more trash, I recycle more cans, and I do it for you, because I believe I’d better leave you this world I invited you to join in the best condition I can.  And I am not alone. There are other people working just as hard as I am. So when you become discouraged because you don’t feel that you can make a difference, then just try a little harder. You will never regret trying harder, but you might regret inaction. I am proud that you, at age seven, are a protector of children who need help, that you do not stand by and let other children be hurt and bullied. I hope you can always continue that, even though I know sometimes it will lead to you being hurt.   I don’t want you to be hurt. But I also never want you to stand by and watch an evil being done either. I know you are good, and I have faith in you.

Becoming your mama has changed who I am, from my religion and politics,  my sensitivity to the horrors this world contains but also to the great good it contains. Little Sweetheart, Little Bella Boo, my SnuggaBuggaBoo, my little Lovey, the world is beautiful  and full of beautiful people and I see it better because of you.

You are everything that is right with the world.  You are the solution. You are everthing I hoped you would be and you are so much more.

All my love,

Mama

Inexplicable

Inexplicable how one minute they are tiny infants and the next they are reading and writing.

Had some pictures taken, this is one of the proofs. I'm evil- I couldn't wait for the disc to get here to share, so here is a sneak peak. This one is my favorite!

And have two wiggly loose teeth.  I’m not sure why the teeth have me all weepy, but they do.

Such is parenthood, I guess.  Always bittersweet.

Buster the Chug (Ribbed for his pleasure)

(Sorry, couldn’t help myself) It is! LOOK!

All right, maybe not "ribbed", perhaps "nubbed?"

Either way, HE LIKES IT, and he’s not ashamed!

If you want me to bite it mom, I will. Nom Nom Nom.

Buster is FUN!  He can be a pill, like the other morning when a huge wind came through in the night, knocked the wheelbarrow over which broke the fence, resulting in a two slat opening, JUST wide enough for him to squeeze through.  Which I didn’t know when I let him out to go potty before I left for work.  So when I let him in 10 minutes later and he didn’t come in… There was much terror. And ten minutes of us driving through our neighborhood looking for him.  Emma was crying that someone was going to steal her dog.  We found him…and Brian fixed the fence when he came home.

Emma adores him:

Love:)

They sing, they dance!

Kisses! Kisses!

Sometimes he just tolerates her exuberant affection, but he loves her lots!

All we need is love!

This dog is SPOILED.  I cannot go shopping without buying him something.  And he’s a chewer, so most thing go quickly.  Here is his assorted loot in one room.

One room's worth, although he does tend to carry his favorites around with him

He got a new baby tonight, see?.

I'm such a good daddy! Or wait....

I'm very small and alone and helpless and cute!

Oh, I have fear!

And having owned hedgehog for exactly two hours the squeaker is already gone!

Gator has seen better days- but is his most favorite of toys. I found him in Winco and will be looking for a replacement next timeI go.

And OMG, do you see his cute little wrinkles?  Around his nose? I just want to bite them, they are so cute!  He is SUCH a cute dog!

Big Bone! Big Bone! This is his nylabone, which he love very much too. DAMN but them's expensive!

Just so you don't think my life is *so* easy, I'll have all of you know she made me SIT for this milkbone and then lay down and THEN? SHE TRIED TO PUT IT ON MY NOSE! My mommy is HEARTLESS, I tell you. My life? One huge tragedy.

He will never be a Chuck, I’m afraid…

Don't look at me like that, I live a life of TORTURE! TORTURE!

O.M.G! LOOK at his face, his cute little face and TELL me how you can not love him? I mean seriously, LOOK AT THIS FACE!

He has an appointment to get his balls chopped off next month- since it’s tax season I need a Saturday appointment.  He spends his spare time looking at girls on the internet- He thinks Ella is QUITE fetching and Pearl has LOVELY eyes and a stunning coat!  He’s quite the ladies man, he just doesn’t know it’s about to come to an end!

He sleeps with Brian and I and prefers to be IN THE MIDDLE.  When we are settling in for the night he tries to sneak in- it’s hilarious, the innocent look on his face.  He KNOWS he’s supposed to be at the bottom of the bed but he wants SO desperately to be in the middle!  A couple of nights ago I woke Brian up laughing because he’d wiggled up between us and was tummy up, snoring! ( He does snore, but not as much or as loud as a pug does.)  As it is, one of us is constantly moving him back down and to the side.  SOMEONE complains about it but when I said we COULD kennel him if we had to at night, someone wouldn’t hear about it. SOMEONE loves this dog just as much as I do.

We’d both prefer it if he wanted to sleep with Emma, but he’s very much oriented towards adults it seems.  And she likes it when he snuggles her, but since he’s a cuddler and she’s a sprawler they are both contented to sleep apart.  We just need a bigger bed.

Speaking of beds…I’m off to mine:)

Counting my blessings

Brian and I are snuggling and chatting about $$ which is tight right now.  It might have been stressful but then he said “It’s not bad being poor when I have you!”  Which is how I feel too. Last year I got a diamond ring for Christmas.  This year we are not exchanging presents, but we are still so happy.  It’s easy to be happy when you’ve got “enough”.  It’s just sometimes you have to learn what “Enough” is.  It’s taken me some time to figure it out.  I still tend to internalize things, stew on them… You’d think after three years as a team I’d know to take my worries to Brian but I forget!  I spent so long doing it myself that I forget I don’t have to.  I always feel better after we talk.

We are good.

We are healthy.

We have food.

We can pay our mortgage.

We are together, a family.

It’s hard but we can do it, hell, I even have a gym membership!  (Although having the contract sucks…) We have so much more than we need, really.  I am grateful.

What if?s

Emma is at the age of “what if”.  Usually she’s worrying about something.

Today it’s me who is worrying and playing the what if game.

My sweet girl is going to kindergarten.  In about 2 hours.

What if someone is mean to her?

How will she handle it WHEN someone is mean to her?

What if she is mean to someone?

Milestones.

She is ready. She is smart. So why is my heart hurting so much?

I wrote her teacher a letter about her.

Dear Mrs T!

I just wanted to let you know a few things about Emma.

She loves stories and songs and making up wild tales.  There is an ogre who lives in her Auntie Jenny’s attic, and a troll named Bluebell who lives in movie theaters.

She still believes in Santa Claus and fairies.

When Emma is happy she is usually singing.  She’s a huge fan of Taylor Swift and Sarah McLachlan.  She also likes the musical Wicked.  She can memorize songs very quickly.

She loves dancing and dressing up.  She loves to be read to and will beg for more stories until my throat is sore.  She LOVES to learn. She says she’s going to take every class in the world so she can know everything.

She loves camping and movies and ice-cream and dark chocolate.

She is eager to please and loves to help.  She is affectionate, she loves to hug and snuggle and we are trying to make her understand that she doesn’t always have to hug her friends, that not everyone likes hugs as much as she does.

She is afraid of the dark (sometimes), thunderstorms, and cats (most of them).  Because she is imaginative and creative she is always thinking up bad situations and asking what if.  I don’t know if that is normal, as she’s my only one.   I know I was the same way when I was her age.

We let Emma choose her outfits. Sometimes they are a little wild, but we don’t like to stifle creativity and we get such a kick out of them.

She’s basically this busy little dancing singing fairy.  She is SO MUCH FUN. We both think she’s the neatest child in the world and we are so proud of her.

I went on to talk about the family situation, the legal stuff, and volunteering.

Milestones.

So I guess, on the up side of “What if”…because it’s odd to contemplate that my sweet 5 year old daughter will someday be a woman, What if she turns out to be every bit as awesome as I think she’s going to be?

My husband and I just had a Ménage à trois with a spider.

No. Not on purpose.

Yes. The spider is now dead.

Brian had to defend my honor.

You are welcome.

Ian

I miss my brother the most when I’m the happiest.  The first time I ever held my daughter I was so overwhelmed with love for her, so happy and also missing him so much, because my daughter would never know him.  He’s a name and a picture, nothing more to her.  It seems a shame to me that Brian doesn’t get to know him either other than a name in stories.  To them, he might as well be a fictional character.

I don’t much mind it, the missing him, it’s made me more appreciative of life and love.  I would rather miss him every day of my life than forget about him, love is so worth it.

My brother would have been 28 today.  I guess he is 28 anyway, even though he’s gone he still comes back and visits,  I think just to check in on me.  I think he’s proud of me.  I know he’s happy for me.

Happy birthday brother.  I love you.

Pass it on.

Compatability

Brian and I both think eggs that are runny are an abomination.  This is one of the many reasons that we belong together.

Runny eggs, BLECK!

Brian says “Why are you always taking pictures woman?”

“All we are doing is testing out a potential camping chair and snuggling and you are always taking pictures!”

Not really, he just looked it.  He doesn’t like his picture taken.

The chair? Super comfortable- much easier to snuggle small child than in conventional camping chair…