Letter to my daughter

Dear Emma,

You are everything I hoped you’d be. You are hugs and kisses, moments of exasperation, sleepless nights and nights where you sleeping next to me is the best feeling in the world. You are one exploratory minute after the next, and everyday I am amazed at your capacity for learning and endless curiosity and willingness to try anything.

You have such an ability for learning.  I’d say smart, but you made mama take college courses to keep up with you, and one thing I learned is that no one is smart, that our brains have infinite capacity and you are intent on using yours and doing the best you can. You are smart because you try so hard, and have such a hunger to learn. I am proud of you.  I am so very very proud. I went to parent teacher conferences and really, the things you have to work on are things you should know at the beginning of next year.  I’m silly because I got worked up when I felt like the teacher was criticizing you, but really, she wasn’t. No one else in your class can do what you do right now. No matter how much you know you will always have room for growth. I’m grateful for a teacher who can point that out.

One part of me is really really happy you are beautiful.  You look like me, but I can tell you that you will be a thousand times more lovely that I am when you grow up. You also somehow have athletic ability, which certainly didn’t come from me.  This Saturday is your first soccer game. Your daddy will be coaching you and he’s very excited. When I see the two of you together I am forever amazed at how perfectly you belong together.

I have regretted many things in my life, but I have never for one second regretted you. Looking at you makes my regrets worthwhile, since the paths I took led me to you.

Being your mama has led me down a path to being a better, stronger person.  The thought of you was what let me leave my first marriage, since I figured out I’d never be good enough in his eyes to be a mother.  The reality of you let me leave the second marriage, because you deserve every safety and protection a child can have.  You also deserve a mother who loves herself as much as she loves you. You deserve to see your mother loved and valued. Being your mother taught me to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Being your mother has taught me my own value as a human being, and taught me to stand up for myself, and demand that I be treated well.

I work harder, I pick up more trash, I recycle more cans, and I do it for you, because I believe I’d better leave you this world I invited you to join in the best condition I can.  And I am not alone. There are other people working just as hard as I am. So when you become discouraged because you don’t feel that you can make a difference, then just try a little harder. You will never regret trying harder, but you might regret inaction. I am proud that you, at age seven, are a protector of children who need help, that you do not stand by and let other children be hurt and bullied. I hope you can always continue that, even though I know sometimes it will lead to you being hurt.   I don’t want you to be hurt. But I also never want you to stand by and watch an evil being done either. I know you are good, and I have faith in you.

Becoming your mama has changed who I am, from my religion and politics,  my sensitivity to the horrors this world contains but also to the great good it contains. Little Sweetheart, Little Bella Boo, my SnuggaBuggaBoo, my little Lovey, the world is beautiful  and full of beautiful people and I see it better because of you.

You are everything that is right with the world.  You are the solution. You are everthing I hoped you would be and you are so much more.

All my love,

Mama

Take that suckas!

It is now November 3oth! Do you know what that means?
To Start- I’ve now been 28 for 10 days! WOO HOO?
Um. Today is the last day of moving! Thank God for Aime who has taken over, thanks to her Kate’s stuff is taken care of. I just didn’t have the time between working OT, taking care of Emma and being sick. Brian’s truck is non working right now so I’ve been taking him to work on mornings when it’s snowing cause nothing invites a head injury like riding a scooter on slick icy roads. I’m not trying to whine- I haven’t minded but this week has kicked my ass. I’m glad its over. I’ve been up before 6 and to bed after 11 every night this week and I’m looking forward to the weekend.

When I picked up Brian from work yesterday I suggested that he spend the hour and a half I still needed to work in a productive manner- that is, go to Barnes and Noble and get me the new Alicia Keys CD. So he did, along with a strawberry frappuchino and a chocolate cupcake from The Cheesecake Factory. I think he likes me.

And this officially ends NaBloPoMo- I did it!!! Some days I even posted twice. I really enjoyed it, it reminded me of when I first really started blogging- It felt so good!

Brian actually got to ride his scooter to work this morning- which meant Emma and I had a whole half and hour just to ourselves. We cuddled in my bed and she told me all about her dreams. The child has some RANDOM dreams. The dream she was telling me about this morning featured herself growing younger. Far out, huh?
She keeps begging me for a little brother or sister. She will also announce to random people “Mommy’s going to have another baby!” which causes them to look VERY surprised. I am of course NOT pregnant, nor am I trying to be. But seeing Brian’s face at those moments is funny as hell.

sheer exhaustion

we moved all the big stuff tonight. I unearthed enough of my kitchen to throw together some soup and then I’m falling into bed.
Tomorrow we need to clean and help Aimekins get her stuff taken care of.

Moving sucks

Oh, wait- did I already name a post that? Well it’s true…
I have so many things to talk about during the day but by the time I have a moment to sit down its all gone. Both Brian and I have been sick with flu for the last 3 days and I’m exhausted- I was bound and determined to sleep in our new place last night so we did the whole sleeping bag thing. Ha Ha. The joke was on me.
The downstairs neighbor started listening to rap suddenly at about 10:30. Brian was contemplating a brick through their window but I just laughed at him.
“Honey- its probably their “gettin it on” music. And if we are lucky, they’ll be quick about it.”
He didn’t think it was very funny- but it only lasted about 10 minutes.
I was cold and when I’m cold I can’t sleep.
I had a sleeping pad under me but I swear it was worse than the floor- I only fell asleep once I ripped the bloody thing out from underneath me. And this morning Brian- whom I might add slept all night through- said something the effect that maybe he SHOULD have used it, like I wanted him to. And again all I could do was laugh at him, because it was a miserable night.
We are down to big furniture and a few clothes at the old place- everything but furniture will be out tonight. I wanted to do it all today but they cleaned the carpets at the new place this morning and they must have adequate time to dry.

Yesterday was a wee bit frantic. I cooked dressing and rolls for 2 households and I didn’t sit down for a moment! It was fun but today, this glorious Friday when I don’t have to work I am sitting at home, when I would normally be making coffee at work and I’m still in my pajamas. I’d like to admit that I slept in, but I didn’t. And shortly I will be leaving to get my oil changed and my car smogged. Although I may wait on the smogging until next week. But until I leave I want to carress this day and call it my Precious. Its Friday Precious. I loves Friday.

Noblosmotwhatever

Hooray! Its the 15th of November! This means I’ve actually half done my goal of posting everyday. Hell, I even posted twice yesterday. I know admitting my fear of Celine Dion is not an important thing, it was just something to get off my chest. Because possibly there are other people who suffer from a similar fear. And I think we should create a support group.

In other news, if we go by actual weeks? Its 52 weeks today that Brian called me up and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie. (I said YES!) And then I cuddled with him. And he cuddled right back. We saw Stranger Than Fiction and I loved it. If we go by actual calender days the 16th of November (tomorrow) would be the actual anniversary of the day Brian called me and asked me out. But it wasn’t a date- he just wanted to spend some time with me.

My brain is completely gone, it took me 5 minutes to remember what Netflix was called. Must be Thursday.

Wednesday?

Emma wanted to know why Wednesday was called Wednesday. I told her I’d have to look it up.

I’m scary cheerful at the moment. This is a direct result of not being pregnant again. (Also the new phone system at work. I’m in love.)

Always the day before my period I grapple with the unreasoning fear that somehow, in spite of being on birth control I have managed to procreate. This has never happened yet it continues to worry me. Last night I was almost in tears because twice in the last 2 weeks I’ve had a glass of wine so I was thinking “If I’m pregnant I will have irreparably damaged the baby!” If I had ever missed a pill or gotten pregnant accidentally I might have a reason to panic but I never have.
This is my version of PMS. I don’t get cramps, I don’t get bitchy, I don’t get murderous, I simply get tearful and worry that the world is ending.
I don’t tell Brian this, because he would worry that I was worrying. He also doesn’t understand the whole concept of the week of pills with nothing in them. This worries him. So I don’t tell him that every month for the last year I’ve been freaking out thinking I’m pregnant with his child. He’s very good at patting my back and telling me that everything will be okay when I tell him I’m just PMSing, though..
SO no, once again I’m not pregnant. I knew that anyway but you know how crazy PMS can make you …

Cause I’m sorry (but not really)

Aime came home last night! Hooray! Its nice to have her back if only for a couple of weeks. Brian and I are getting excited for our new place but we both agree Aime is the best of roommates. Sometimes its the little things like starting the dishwasher when I forgot to.

To make up for my abysmal lack of happiness yesterday let me direct you to a page that will surely make you squirm with delight. Are you ready? Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
HERE.
Did it work? Did you see the cuteness? Are you overwhelmed with the sweetness and light?
Good. Cause thats why you came, isn’t it?
Oh wait, that was the other people who actually like me.

You just came because you can’t stay away. Tell me, family member, do you enjoy your stalker urges? Have you come to make sure that you were right, that I’m making Brian unhappy? Would it interest you to know that we are very happy? This surprises you, because you assumed you knew him. Because dear GOD how could anyone as twisted as me make anyone happy? Oh wait, that would be you, in your sad poser world, claiming to embrace differences but still hiding your own. Tell me, do you get tired of the lies?
I don’t want you reading my blogs, you know this. I happen to enjoy having a public blog. I actually make friends this way- something you don’t understand because you have to buy them. If you could you would go to Costco and pick them up cheaply and in bulk so you could throw them away all the more easily when you were done with them. So I’m not going to put this blog on private. I’m declaring war on you. Perhaps now you’ll run to my mother? Tell her how hateful I am?
I dare you.

Sunday night don’t know what to write and what not

When I win the lottery I am going to hire someone to do my grocery shopping for me. I don’t mind shopping when its the only thing I have to do… But now that I’m an adult that doesn’t happen. There must be food to eat in the house as Mr. Ariel and Emma get ever so grumpy when I don’t feed them often, so out to procure food I went.
Brian’s family is one of those families who eat together regularly and it was my turn to cook. I have known all of them for about a year and half now but we’ve only been eating together for about 6 months- the amount of time Brian and I have been living together. I still get really really nervous cooking for them because Martha is such a good cook and she knows all of their little quirky food habits. Jenny (Brian’s sister) doesn’t like a lot of food so I’m always really worried that she won’t like it. I should probably stop worrying, cause it hasn’t happened yet.
But between shopping and cooking my day has wiggled away from me…
Dinner was fine, Emma was only mildly monstrous but I’m tired.
I’m contemplating a bath and a glass of wine. And snuggles. Lots of them.

Posting everyday is not as easy as I make it look!

What shall I write about today? No, not that, its over and done.

Shall I talk about how scrumptious my peppermint mocha is? It is, truly, but that line of thought is now entirely used up.

Um. I’m totally in love with Alicia Keys’ new song “No One”. Have you heard it? You really should. I like Alicia Keys, I think she’s a wonderful artist.

My daughter is surpassing herself in cuteness lately. Also in badness, truth be told. When she was little she never did the whole “No” thing. Well, now at 4 she is. AND there is this little boy at school who keeps trying to make her show “hers” cause he REALLY wants to show her “his”. This is not okay- we’ve worked on it with teachers, because this little boy is trying it with all the kids in his class, not just Emma. But yesterday she showed her underpants. We told her if she does it again she’ll be grounded from dresses and skirts. OMG- you might think we’d threatened to not feed her for a month. She hates to wear pants. She only likes to wear things that swish. But the punishment must fit the crime. I’m willing to bet she doesn’t show her panties again.

I guess this is a random post, with no specific point.

Did I tell you what we were for Halloween? I went as an angel, Emma went as a ballerina and Brian went as a smurf. I painted him blue and sewed a little fluffy blue tail on the back of some white sweatpants. It totally rocked, I have to say. Of course I was all in white and he was covered in blue paint and we’re still at the madly in love point- so the outcome was predictable. So next year we are going as something complementary. I was thinking white statues. And next year I won’t get a hangover from the festivities. I had my first hangover and I have to say I DID NOT LIKE IT. I should just stick to wine.

Oh, I am so starving… potato chips are so calling…