All I asked for was a freaking rotating chair

So I’m watching a Naked Science episode on “How to Kill a Planet”.

I’m totally into it, I’ve had a bad day, so I’m thinking “Hell, WHY NOT?  I’d LOVE to head over to Mars and do a little destruction therapy.”  I mean OBVIOUSLY, destroying the planet I’m on would leave me unsatisfied, as I’d be unable to appreciate what I’d done, but as far as I’m concerned Mars is expendable.

My destructive device of choice would be an antimatter bomb. We totally can make antimatter- thus far we’ve made 20 nanograms of the stuff! (Think less than a dime)

NOW.  To get the job done, I need about 2.5 trillion tons of  antimatter…  and at the present rate of production, it would take more than the age of the universe to make enough to blow up a planet the size of Earth or Mars.

God Damn.

Fucking inept scientists are ruining my night.

In which she shares her embarrasment

My taste in music is eclectic.  I like most everything.  I like most artists, most styles…

But I’m ashamed to admit I love Lady GaGa. I’m thirty years old and she’s….odd.

But I like her.

I mean, I don’t really like to LOOK at her, I think her taste in clothing is atrocious (I’d kill for her shoes) but she’s kind of like Madonna.  Weird, her very own creation.  And even when I think what she’s wearing is awful I kind of understand why she chose what she chose.

But I REALLY like her music.  Admittedly, I hated (and still don’t care for ) Just Dance.

But then Poker Face came out.  And I really liked it. Loved it. Bought it. Work out to it.

And then Paparazzi and Love Game were fun (Much atrocious crotch grabbing in the video but not what makes it fun)

And the Bad Romance came out. Again. I adore it.

She is my guilty pleasure, my “I’m thirty years old and I shouldn’t like something a 17 year old likes but I really do” pleasure.

If it’s wrong I don’t want to be right.

I mean, how can I NOT like her? She wore this to meet the QUEEN OF ENGLAND!

I mean WTF??????? What's not to love?

Tell me this woman doesn’t have self esteem!

Some movies that I actually might sit down long enough to watch.

I hate watching movies. Or TV, for that matter, unless it’s educational or involves food, like the food network.  I like food.  I like learning shit.

If I really like a movie I’ll watch it again- several agains.  It’s really hard on my husband that I have such a hard time making myself watch a new movie.  And should I see a movie preview and say “I want to see that” and should he go out and rent it there is only a one in three chance I’ll sit and watch it.  Poor guy.  He watches a lot of movies alone.

I am currently in love with House, and can watch 4 episodes quite happily without moving.  This perplexes my husband, but he procures me the next disc because it means snuggles. I also really like the Family Guy, but he’s only on when Emma is awake, so I don’t get to watch him.  It’s not kid friendly, alas.

Anyway, here are some movies I might, if the moon is full and the stars are aligned correctly and the wind is blowing and I’m not cold or stressed or pissy,  want to watch:

Alice in Wonderland

The Men Who Stare At Goats

The Lovely Bones

The Princess and the Frog

A Christmas Carol

Did you Hear about the Morgans?

Sherlock Holmes

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Nine

Invictus

A Christmas Tale

The Last Airbender

Will I actually watch any of these?  Brian hopes so.

Things that make me happy.

THIS post, courtesy Dooce.  Thanks to her, I shall now address everyone as “My bitch”.

Sample:

Eventually, one night in total darkness, I arrived at the temple in Salt Lake City. I felt its facade and it was like a lightning bolt ran through my fingers, up and down my spine to my brain and my anus, filling me with the electricity of hope, something I’d never felt before. I sat on the steps until dawn came, and a man of the cloth arrived.

“Who are you?” he said.

“I’m a fucking believer, my bitch,” I said. Having grown up on the block, this was the only way I had ever heard people talk. I had no idea it was offensive. In a surge of faith that this man would not judge me, I took off my Stormtrooper mask to reveal my lack of a face.

“I’m sorry,” he said, scrunching his face in disgust. ”I don’t think we can accommadate you.”

I highly recomend reading it. Unless you don’t have a sense of humor,  in which case you may be excused.

Vanilla Lattes.

Pictures of PUPPIES.

On igoogle I have a pet turtle. I used to have two but I forgot about them and I think one died.

Remembering how my brother had this game with worms in it and the worms bombed shit and stuff.

What my husband has to put up with

We go to a sporting goods store.

We go to the ammunition isle, cause we need bullets for the pistol.  There is no 9mm ammo in stock. Guess no target practice for me.

So I say “Sorry, honey, its all the gun toten freaks who are buying all the ammo cause Obama’s gonna take thier guns from them. ” (apparantly this gets some dirty looks from some of the freaks in the isle)

“But really Obama’s too busy trying to make sure they have health insurance for when they accidentally shoot themselves to actually take their guns from them.  So really, their guns are totally safe!”

Brian steers me out of the isle.  Because I have to say all of that in a southern accent.  REDNECK accent.

I ask him if he loves me, and he says yes.

“Its cause I’m Klassy!  Klassy with a K!.”

So then he says something to the effect that he’s glad he got out of there without being shot.  Poor guy can’t take me anywhere. Damn my overdeveloped sense of humor.

I may have had a small glass of wine with lunch but that’s not why this is so FUNNY! (Or I LOVE JENNY THE BLOGGESS!)

Warning, do not click through unless you have a warped AND AWESOME sense of humor.

So I call my husband from the other room and I’m all “Hey! I can’t find any clown porn!” and he’s all “Okay honestly? I dare you to say something more fucked up” and I’m all “No, for real. I need it for work”. Then he’s all “Wow. You win.”

Jenny the Bloggess is now writing a sex column and it promises to be completely stellar, just like her.

She also writes an advice column and she is totally smarter than Dr. Phil which doesn’t sound like a compliment because it doesn’t sound like that could be hard but I REALLY mean it as a compliment, I HEART YOU JENNY!

How to avoid the swine flu:

French kissing pigs should DEFINITELY be on the list of things you SHOULDN’T do!

THE SHAME!

I’d kindof dismissed the Twilight books as sophomoric and wasn’t going to read them.

But then Brian’s sister WHO HATES TO READ for whatever reason decided she was going to read them and has now read them twice.  And then she handed me the first one- because she KNEW I was going to love them.

Well, I’ll admit I love me some vampires (I’d love to be coffin bait- ANITA BLAKE I LOVE YOU!)

But I kept forgetting to read the damned book, because I wasn’t “that interested”.  Brian brought me the book last night because he’s thoughtful like that and said “You need to at least start the book or you’ll hurt my sister’s feelings…” which I would never do on purpose and I was meaning to read it.

So I opened it up and two hours later I yelled “Damned book I need to sleep!” Like it was all the books fault it had sucked me in and was keeping me awake. It also made me late to work this morning because I have no willpower.

I’m just a little bit ashamed I’m enjoying a book I’d dismissed, but not enought to not devour the rest of it tonight.

I’m now calling myself Ariel ZOMBIE KILLER

Apparently there are whole websites devoted to killing zombies but you have to know what kind of zombie you are dealing with.  According to http://www.zombiesurvivalwiki.com there are several different varieties:

• “Rage zombies are still human and subject to human limits. They can be killed by anything that will kill an uninfected human and as quickly as an uninfected human. A shot or blow to a major nerve junction will stop them immediately(but not necessarily kill them), destruction of a major organ will kill them eventually(a couple of minutes for the heart and lungs). This shows that there are two separate but related problems, stopping them and killing them. You need to stop them before they are close enough to infect you, a shot or a strong blow to the head or neck spinal column will do this. Blunt weapons that do not cause them to shed blood should be the choice for close up work.
  

• Classic zombies are no longer human and not subject to human limits. They can only be stopped by destruction of the cerebellum or the brain stem.”

There is just so much I don’t know and I’ve only scratched the surface.  Really I like vampires much better but I’ve decided I should give zombies a fair shake too.

Food Porn

Oh TasteSpotting how have I lived without you all my life?